From Ten on Tuesday, in no order other than what jumps to mind first:
1. Visiting England with my family when I was 14. I stayed at the Olave House one of the four world centers for Girl Guides and Girl Scouts. That was exciting but I it led to a much more exciting opportunity. Long story short, because I was at the Headquarters for the UK Girl Guides in my US uniform I was asked to be an honor guard for HRH Princess Margaret ( younger sister of the queen) I also met Lady Baden- Powell who founded Girl Guides with her husband. My picture was on the front page of the newspaper that went to all guides and the Leader magazine. It was an AWESOME experience.
2. Driving from Denver to LA in my 1975 orange Dodge Colt with 2 friends from graduate school. It was the first time I had gone on vacation with my family. We had a blast. One of the girls was friends with the son of Robin William's manager. We stayed at his house free for a few days. It was so cool.
3. Seeing the apartheid of South Africa first hand. I remember so vividly walking through the streets of Sweato (the black neighborhood) and seeing the poverty and knowing those people had no chance. I almost felt guilty returning to our beautiful "whites only" hotel. This was made even more memorable when the riots that really marked the beginning of the South African civil rights movement broke out a few months later. Watching the destruction on TV of these riots not long after I had walked those streets was something I will never forget.
4. Walking the Great Wall of China.... need I say more ?
5. Visiting the Berlin Wall 6 months after it came down. I stood there and remembered what it had been like when I visited Berlin years before when it was still divided. It was so awesome to take a hammer and chisel and chip off my very own piece of the wall. I love watching freedom spread :)
6. The beauty of Budapest. I have never seen a city more beautiful than this one. The food was excellent, the people nice . Everything was amazing. I want to go back.
7. Being caught in the worst blizzard in 28 years in Queensland, New Zealand on JULY 3. They had something like 28 inches of snow. I ended up buying some unusual souvenirs lambs' wool lined boots and gloves. They were great when I lived in Colorado. I love New Zealand. If I had to live anywhere other than the US it would be NZ.
8. Disney Cruise with my grandmother, parents and daughter. We sailed on July 4 and 2 days later my Grandmother turned 90. It was the last vacation all of us took together. We all had a great time. The cruise director wished her a happy birthday from Mickey during the show that night. She was impressed we were 4 generations traveling together.
9. Staying at TreeTops hotel near Nairobi Kenya. This is a hotel built in a huge tree. visitors have to climb up a ladder to get there and then the ladder is brought up and you are stuck until the next morning. There is a huge deck all the way around . It overlooks a watering hole that attracts all kinds of wildlife. During the night a buzzer goes off in each guest room when new animals are spotted in the area. It is not a fancy hotel but it is so cool. Queen Elizabeth II was staying in the hotel the night her father the king died . She went to bed a Princess and woke up a queen. There is a plaque in the room where she was sleeping that night.
10. Of course I have to list Russia. When I went to Russia to adopt my daughter, I was reminded of a time 28 years earlier that I had also been in Russia. Things were so different in 2001 than in 1973. In 1973 it was all gray and sad.Some day I will write about the things I experienced in 1973 in the Soviet Union. I never imagined I would be back 28 years later, let alone that I would have a daughter from this country. In 2001 it was alive and exciting. People smiled and wore the highest fashions, (at least in Moscow). Seeing the area where my dd was born is something I treasure. I hope to take her back sometime when she is older.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Scared (and angry)
,I sit here watching my daughter trying to rock herself to sleep and I am scared. Not scared of her going to sleep but of what the future holds for her. She faces so many challenges because of her earliest months. I don't know if I can make it better for her.
She has always had a hard time regulating herself and her emotions. When she was younger she had meltdowns that lasted more than 2 hours. I can not even begin to describe what it felt like sitting on the floor trying to keep both of us from getting hurt all while she screamed that she hated me. As she grew the meltdowns lessened but she still became frustrated and angry so easily. But of course this behavior only happened at home. Everywhere else she was an angel. Everyone else thought she was the sweetest child they had ever met.
Once she started school new set of issues developed. She just could not remember things. Her reading was not developing. She ended up repeating 1st grade. Now that actually turned out ok. She did much better the second time around. I fought the school for 2 years to finally get this child an IEP. It seemed they did everything they could to keep her from getting help including telling me she is "just low and this all you can expect". With the help of a wonderful developmental pediatrician I got her diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Exposure. She started a new medication and our world changed. She is now able to focus and is controlling her emotions. We have not had a meltdown in almost a year. Of course she still gets mad but it is not the same. I am so scared that 2nd grade will not go as well as this past year. I know the work will be harder and more of it. I do not want her to fail another year. Will she ever be able to overcome these problems and be productive and independent?
Now I have another obstacle. I noticed a few weeks ago and again last week that when she has been running or jump roping a lot (and I mean ALOT) her heart begins to race and pound like it is going to pop out of her chest. I mentioned it to her dev. ped and he has sent her to a cardiologist for an EKG next Tuesday. He said it could be that when kids get overheated and exerted everything dilates as a way of releasing heat. God, I hope that is all it is.
I am so scared that that B****h that gave birth to her damaged her little heart too. How can someone do that to a baby growing inside them ? I know I should be grateful she let her have life so I could bring her home but damnit, she hurt my baby.Her choices have made life so much harder for this precious child. I am scared what this all may mean. I can't loose her.
She has always had a hard time regulating herself and her emotions. When she was younger she had meltdowns that lasted more than 2 hours. I can not even begin to describe what it felt like sitting on the floor trying to keep both of us from getting hurt all while she screamed that she hated me. As she grew the meltdowns lessened but she still became frustrated and angry so easily. But of course this behavior only happened at home. Everywhere else she was an angel. Everyone else thought she was the sweetest child they had ever met.
Once she started school new set of issues developed. She just could not remember things. Her reading was not developing. She ended up repeating 1st grade. Now that actually turned out ok. She did much better the second time around. I fought the school for 2 years to finally get this child an IEP. It seemed they did everything they could to keep her from getting help including telling me she is "just low and this all you can expect". With the help of a wonderful developmental pediatrician I got her diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Exposure. She started a new medication and our world changed. She is now able to focus and is controlling her emotions. We have not had a meltdown in almost a year. Of course she still gets mad but it is not the same. I am so scared that 2nd grade will not go as well as this past year. I know the work will be harder and more of it. I do not want her to fail another year. Will she ever be able to overcome these problems and be productive and independent?
Now I have another obstacle. I noticed a few weeks ago and again last week that when she has been running or jump roping a lot (and I mean ALOT) her heart begins to race and pound like it is going to pop out of her chest. I mentioned it to her dev. ped and he has sent her to a cardiologist for an EKG next Tuesday. He said it could be that when kids get overheated and exerted everything dilates as a way of releasing heat. God, I hope that is all it is.
I am so scared that that B****h that gave birth to her damaged her little heart too. How can someone do that to a baby growing inside them ? I know I should be grateful she let her have life so I could bring her home but damnit, she hurt my baby.Her choices have made life so much harder for this precious child. I am scared what this all may mean. I can't loose her.
Friday, July 11, 2008
FridayFeast 196
Appetizer
When was the last time you had your hair cut/trimmed?
July 3. I had about 5 inches taken off. It was more than I had expected but I really like. My hair has not been this short in almost 40 years lol
Soup
Name one thing you miss about being a child.
Not really a lot I can think of that I actually miss. I did not really enjoy my childhood.
Main Course
If you could learn another language, which one would you pick, and why?
Russian because my daughter is from Russia and she loves everything (almost) Russian. I would like to be able to help her learn it or understand what is being said in videos I have of her early days.
Dessert
Finish this sentence: In 5 years I expect to be…
Five years older. Watching my dd enter her teen years and being very afraid of the day she gets her driver's license. Hopefully, I will no longer be living alone. My partner's dd will be grown by then so maybe we can finally be together.
When was the last time you had your hair cut/trimmed?
July 3. I had about 5 inches taken off. It was more than I had expected but I really like. My hair has not been this short in almost 40 years lol
Soup
Name one thing you miss about being a child.
Not really a lot I can think of that I actually miss. I did not really enjoy my childhood.
Salad
Pick one: butter, margarine, olive oil.
BUTTER, Nothing tastes like butter. Now I do not like using butter to fry things but for almost everything else it is great.Main Course
If you could learn another language, which one would you pick, and why?
Russian because my daughter is from Russia and she loves everything (almost) Russian. I would like to be able to help her learn it or understand what is being said in videos I have of her early days.
Dessert
Finish this sentence: In 5 years I expect to be…
Five years older. Watching my dd enter her teen years and being very afraid of the day she gets her driver's license. Hopefully, I will no longer be living alone. My partner's dd will be grown by then so maybe we can finally be together.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Fireworks Photo Challenge
The girl is busy selecting which one to use next.....
She makes up her mind and mom lights it..... 
But my little saefty expert wants to make sure each foutain is good and wet...
Well, here is my girl with her sparklers. She begs to do them and once they are going she gets all scared and won't do anything .
Monday, June 30, 2008
5 defining evolutions
I have decided to follow the lead of several others and write about 5 defining moments. It is very hard to think of "exact moments" that could be called defining. So I have come up with events or periods of time. Most defining moments really are more of defining evolutions. Please forgive the rambling
1. Don't let your grandma see you cry......
As a child, I was extremely close to my grandfather. He was the only person who I felt truly loved me just because I was his grandchild. My grandmother was an extremely and successful and demanding woman. I learned early on that I was another "trophy" for her to show off. I HAD to be best so she could show me off and take credit for how well I was doing. My parents were kind of intimidated by her and basically stood back and let her run my life. On the other hand, my grandpa was always there for me. He supported me and made me laugh. When I was 10 he got sick. He was in the hospital from Sept 20 until he died Nov 3. Back in those days cildren were not allowed in hospital rooms. I did get to see him maybe 3 times during that time frame. The night he died I was not allowed in the room. My grandmother's sister kept me in the downstairs waiting room. I will never forget that woman telling me" Do NOT let your gandma or mom see you cry. They have enough to do now without worrying about you".I look back now and think HOW DARE SHE !!!!!! But then I knew I had to suck it up and be the good little girl. It was hard but I managed to not cry around my family. I learned several things from this First it is my responsibility to make sure everyone else is ok even at my own expense. Second, showing my emotion is not acceptable. And Third, my value comes from what I can do for or how I make others feel/appear. It has taken many many years to unlearn these lessons. I still fall victim to them sometimes but at least I am working on it.
2. My marriage.....
Ok, I know some of you just did a double take on that one. Yes, I was married. (refer back to number for some reasons why). I tried to live the life I was supposed to live. I found a man and after several years we married. It was never something I wanted but I know I was expected to. Fortunately, he he was well established in a town about 200 miles from where I was living and working. We basically had a "weekend marriage". I figured this would be just fine. A few months after we got married I got pregnant. When I told him he went ballistic! There was NO WAY he was going to be a father again (he had a 10 year old son from a previous marriage) He told me that he would not be saddled with the responsibility of being a father or even paying child support, His ultimatum was either terminate the pregnancy or he would kill himself. I KNEW he was serious. I also was afraid of this man. He could be become so violent in an instant. I decided that I could not be responsible for his death and leave my child with that legacy. I knew that most people had no idea I was pregnant so there would be very few questions to answer. After it was over I felt like I had not only lost my child but my soul as well. He, on the other hand,acted like nothing had ever happened. I started finding solace in the bottom of a scotch bottle and he never even cared. All he said was " you have to do what you have to do but don't ever call me to bail you out if you get stopped for DUI". It took almost a year but I decided to end this farce. About a week before I was going to tell him, he became very ill. To make a long story short, I could not walk out on a dieing man. I stood by his side and took care of him (because that is what I was supposed to do) for almost 10 months. He died 2 weeks before my 40th birthday. It all did a real number on my mind.
3. Destiny7298
On July 2, 1998 I stumbled into a grief recovery website. In that chatroom I met many people who reached out to me. They wanted be there for me with no expectations. The best friends I have ever had in my life were made in those chatrooms. These people accepted me for who I was not who they wanted me to be. They showed me it is possible to live again after such loss. I went to meet the founder in person. She lived in Orlando. Because of her I had the courage to move away from everything and everyone I knew. I came to live in Florida and saw it as a clean start for my life. So many things have changed because of finding that website that night I decided to use it as my screenname. In other words, I found my Destiny on 7/2/98 .
4. Journey to motherhood....
With the support of my online friends I made the decision to follow my dream of motherhood. That was one thing I had learned from my horrible experience in #2, that I wanted to be a mother. I undertook the task of fertility treatments and artificial insemination. I became pregnant on my first attempt. I was ecstatic. The day of my first ultrasound was the anniversary of my grandfather's death. When the doctor told me that there was no heartbeat I was devastated. He scheduled me for a D&C 2 days later. My family was out of the country and I was alone with this news. A dear friend from the grief website talked to me all night while another made arrangements to come be with me when it happened. I did not give up and tried again. It took 3 more attempts and again became pregnant. The same results and the words from the doctor saying I would probably never be a mother nearly killed me. After moving to Florida another friend (also from the website who had moved to Florida at the same time) asked me "whatever happened to your idea of adopting". I could not face the thought of being told no. There were so many reasons I would not be approved but she asked me how I would be any worse off if I tried and it did not happen than I was right then. It made me see she was right. I had nothing more to lose and everything to gain. It was a very long and arduous road but 2 years later I was on an airplane to Russia to bring home my daughter. This has not not been without its challenges but such a blessing. I am my so happy being her mommy.
5. Being my real self......
About 8 years ago I decided I had to accept myself for who I am.( I HATE that phrase because I am so much more than a lesbian) I met a woman in the grief chatroom and we connected immediately. Now that connection was not a "love connection" we became very very close. We could talk for hours both online and on the phone. We told each other things we had never told anyone. When I went to Russia she called me every single morning. On one trip to visit her in Texas something just clicked between us. We both knew it and we both were scared by it yet we both KNEW what it meant. Thus our relationship began to take form. She has kept me sane and sober not because she nags but because she is always there when I need her.SHe knows what I need to hear and does not judge me. We laugh together even in the worst of times. Actually, without this wonderful woman I would not be alive today. It was her gut instinct that something was very wrong with me that made her take me to the ER on New Year's Eve. If she had not done that, the bacterial meningitis would have killed me. She refused to leave my side in the ER and ICU . Everyone there knew that she was the ONLY one who could reach me and get any kind of response from me. SHe kept me connected to this realm. Not only did she take care of me but she also took care of my mom and my daughter. She is THE best thing that has ever happened to me. She brings me true peace and joy.
Sorry, this got so long. Thanks fortaking the time to read it.
1. Don't let your grandma see you cry......
As a child, I was extremely close to my grandfather. He was the only person who I felt truly loved me just because I was his grandchild. My grandmother was an extremely and successful and demanding woman. I learned early on that I was another "trophy" for her to show off. I HAD to be best so she could show me off and take credit for how well I was doing. My parents were kind of intimidated by her and basically stood back and let her run my life. On the other hand, my grandpa was always there for me. He supported me and made me laugh. When I was 10 he got sick. He was in the hospital from Sept 20 until he died Nov 3. Back in those days cildren were not allowed in hospital rooms. I did get to see him maybe 3 times during that time frame. The night he died I was not allowed in the room. My grandmother's sister kept me in the downstairs waiting room. I will never forget that woman telling me" Do NOT let your gandma or mom see you cry. They have enough to do now without worrying about you".I look back now and think HOW DARE SHE !!!!!! But then I knew I had to suck it up and be the good little girl. It was hard but I managed to not cry around my family. I learned several things from this First it is my responsibility to make sure everyone else is ok even at my own expense. Second, showing my emotion is not acceptable. And Third, my value comes from what I can do for or how I make others feel/appear. It has taken many many years to unlearn these lessons. I still fall victim to them sometimes but at least I am working on it.
2. My marriage.....
Ok, I know some of you just did a double take on that one. Yes, I was married. (refer back to number for some reasons why). I tried to live the life I was supposed to live. I found a man and after several years we married. It was never something I wanted but I know I was expected to. Fortunately, he he was well established in a town about 200 miles from where I was living and working. We basically had a "weekend marriage". I figured this would be just fine. A few months after we got married I got pregnant. When I told him he went ballistic! There was NO WAY he was going to be a father again (he had a 10 year old son from a previous marriage) He told me that he would not be saddled with the responsibility of being a father or even paying child support, His ultimatum was either terminate the pregnancy or he would kill himself. I KNEW he was serious. I also was afraid of this man. He could be become so violent in an instant. I decided that I could not be responsible for his death and leave my child with that legacy. I knew that most people had no idea I was pregnant so there would be very few questions to answer. After it was over I felt like I had not only lost my child but my soul as well. He, on the other hand,acted like nothing had ever happened. I started finding solace in the bottom of a scotch bottle and he never even cared. All he said was " you have to do what you have to do but don't ever call me to bail you out if you get stopped for DUI". It took almost a year but I decided to end this farce. About a week before I was going to tell him, he became very ill. To make a long story short, I could not walk out on a dieing man. I stood by his side and took care of him (because that is what I was supposed to do) for almost 10 months. He died 2 weeks before my 40th birthday. It all did a real number on my mind.
3. Destiny7298
On July 2, 1998 I stumbled into a grief recovery website. In that chatroom I met many people who reached out to me. They wanted be there for me with no expectations. The best friends I have ever had in my life were made in those chatrooms. These people accepted me for who I was not who they wanted me to be. They showed me it is possible to live again after such loss. I went to meet the founder in person. She lived in Orlando. Because of her I had the courage to move away from everything and everyone I knew. I came to live in Florida and saw it as a clean start for my life. So many things have changed because of finding that website that night I decided to use it as my screenname. In other words, I found my Destiny on 7/2/98 .
4. Journey to motherhood....
With the support of my online friends I made the decision to follow my dream of motherhood. That was one thing I had learned from my horrible experience in #2, that I wanted to be a mother. I undertook the task of fertility treatments and artificial insemination. I became pregnant on my first attempt. I was ecstatic. The day of my first ultrasound was the anniversary of my grandfather's death. When the doctor told me that there was no heartbeat I was devastated. He scheduled me for a D&C 2 days later. My family was out of the country and I was alone with this news. A dear friend from the grief website talked to me all night while another made arrangements to come be with me when it happened. I did not give up and tried again. It took 3 more attempts and again became pregnant. The same results and the words from the doctor saying I would probably never be a mother nearly killed me. After moving to Florida another friend (also from the website who had moved to Florida at the same time) asked me "whatever happened to your idea of adopting". I could not face the thought of being told no. There were so many reasons I would not be approved but she asked me how I would be any worse off if I tried and it did not happen than I was right then. It made me see she was right. I had nothing more to lose and everything to gain. It was a very long and arduous road but 2 years later I was on an airplane to Russia to bring home my daughter. This has not not been without its challenges but such a blessing. I am my so happy being her mommy.
5. Being my real self......
About 8 years ago I decided I had to accept myself for who I am.( I HATE that phrase because I am so much more than a lesbian) I met a woman in the grief chatroom and we connected immediately. Now that connection was not a "love connection" we became very very close. We could talk for hours both online and on the phone. We told each other things we had never told anyone. When I went to Russia she called me every single morning. On one trip to visit her in Texas something just clicked between us. We both knew it and we both were scared by it yet we both KNEW what it meant. Thus our relationship began to take form. She has kept me sane and sober not because she nags but because she is always there when I need her.SHe knows what I need to hear and does not judge me. We laugh together even in the worst of times. Actually, without this wonderful woman I would not be alive today. It was her gut instinct that something was very wrong with me that made her take me to the ER on New Year's Eve. If she had not done that, the bacterial meningitis would have killed me. She refused to leave my side in the ER and ICU . Everyone there knew that she was the ONLY one who could reach me and get any kind of response from me. SHe kept me connected to this realm. Not only did she take care of me but she also took care of my mom and my daughter. She is THE best thing that has ever happened to me. She brings me true peace and joy.
Sorry, this got so long. Thanks fortaking the time to read it.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Friday Feast #195
Appetizer
What is the weather like today where you live? Very muggy. It started out overcast and foggy but has cleared off. Now we are waiting for the afternoon thunderstorms. They say maybe hail. Temperature is about 93 with about the same humidity level.
Soup
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how career-minded are you? Maybe 5. That is because sometimes I am a 10 and really really want to be working full time again and other times I am 0 wanting to stay home and lead my Brownies and play with my daughter.
Salad
What type of window coverings do you have in your home? Blinds, curtains, shutters, etc.? Mostly mini-blinds. The living room has decorative drapes and sheers. The playroom has the film type sunscreen on it ( that is WONDERFUL. It really cuts the heat) and valances. Bedrooms have sheers over the mini-blinds.
Main Course
Name something that instantly cheers you up. Cuddling with my daughter. She gives the BEST snuggles. At 8, I know my days of spontaneous snuggles are nearing an end so I take all I can get. The other thing that can ALWAYS cheer me is a phone call from my sweetie. We live 800 miles apart and it drives us both crazy. I hate the Texas court system. They will not let her move out of the state with her daughter or we would be together already. When I see her number on caller ID I automatically smile.
Dessert
How many times do you hit the snooze button on a typical morning? None. Most of the time I am awake even before it goes off. Actually my alarm is the TV. It automatically turns on to the morning news channel and it has no snooze button. lol
What is the weather like today where you live? Very muggy. It started out overcast and foggy but has cleared off. Now we are waiting for the afternoon thunderstorms. They say maybe hail. Temperature is about 93 with about the same humidity level.
Soup
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how career-minded are you? Maybe 5. That is because sometimes I am a 10 and really really want to be working full time again and other times I am 0 wanting to stay home and lead my Brownies and play with my daughter.
Salad
What type of window coverings do you have in your home? Blinds, curtains, shutters, etc.? Mostly mini-blinds. The living room has decorative drapes and sheers. The playroom has the film type sunscreen on it ( that is WONDERFUL. It really cuts the heat) and valances. Bedrooms have sheers over the mini-blinds.
Main Course
Name something that instantly cheers you up. Cuddling with my daughter. She gives the BEST snuggles. At 8, I know my days of spontaneous snuggles are nearing an end so I take all I can get. The other thing that can ALWAYS cheer me is a phone call from my sweetie. We live 800 miles apart and it drives us both crazy. I hate the Texas court system. They will not let her move out of the state with her daughter or we would be together already. When I see her number on caller ID I automatically smile.
Dessert
How many times do you hit the snooze button on a typical morning? None. Most of the time I am awake even before it goes off. Actually my alarm is the TV. It automatically turns on to the morning news channel and it has no snooze button. lol
Thursday, June 26, 2008
I don't understand .....
Ok, I just heard that our illustrious President has decided to lift trade sanctions on North Korea and take steps to remove them from the so called blacklist of terrorist states. Excuse me but, didn't declare they were part of the "axis of evil" ? He says he knows they have lied in the past but he is hoping this will be the first step in getting them to give up their nukes. Yeah right, that crazy man over there is going to hand over all his info......
Now, don't I remember not long ago this administration and Sen. McSame chastising Obama for saying he would consider talks with Iran? Didn't they say we should never deal with nations like this? I'm confused. IMO, North Korea is a bigger threat to the world security than Iran. Why is it now ok to deal with a crazy man in North Korea but not a religious fanatic in Iran? Is it because of the religious issue? Are communists "less evil" than Muslims ? Can someone explain this to me ?
T -208 and counting
Now, don't I remember not long ago this administration and Sen. McSame chastising Obama for saying he would consider talks with Iran? Didn't they say we should never deal with nations like this? I'm confused. IMO, North Korea is a bigger threat to the world security than Iran. Why is it now ok to deal with a crazy man in North Korea but not a religious fanatic in Iran? Is it because of the religious issue? Are communists "less evil" than Muslims ? Can someone explain this to me ?
T -208 and counting
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