5 defining evolutions

I have decided to follow the lead of several others and write about 5 defining moments. It is very hard to think of "exact moments" that could be called defining. So I have come up with events or periods of time. Most defining moments really are more of defining evolutions. Please forgive the rambling

1. Don't let your grandma see you cry......

As a child, I was extremely close to my grandfather. He was the only person who I felt truly loved me just because I was his grandchild. My grandmother was an extremely and successful and demanding woman. I learned early on that I was another "trophy" for her to show off. I HAD to be best so she could show me off and take credit for how well I was doing. My parents were kind of intimidated by her and basically stood back and let her run my life. On the other hand, my grandpa was always there for me. He supported me and made me laugh. When I was 10 he got sick. He was in the hospital from Sept 20 until he died Nov 3. Back in those days cildren were not allowed in hospital rooms. I did get to see him maybe 3 times during that time frame. The night he died I was not allowed in the room. My grandmother's sister kept me in the downstairs waiting room. I will never forget that woman telling me" Do NOT let your gandma or mom see you cry. They have enough to do now without worrying about you".I look back now and think HOW DARE SHE !!!!!! But then I knew I had to suck it up and be the good little girl. It was hard but I managed to not cry around my family. I learned several things from this First it is my responsibility to make sure everyone else is ok even at my own expense. Second, showing my emotion is not acceptable. And Third, my value comes from what I can do for or how I make others feel/appear. It has taken many many years to unlearn these lessons. I still fall victim to them sometimes but at least I am working on it.

2. My marriage.....

Ok, I know some of you just did a double take on that one. Yes, I was married. (refer back to number for some reasons why). I tried to live the life I was supposed to live. I found a man and after several years we married. It was never something I wanted but I know I was expected to. Fortunately, he he was well established in a town about 200 miles from where I was living and working. We basically had a "weekend marriage". I figured this would be just fine. A few months after we got married I got pregnant. When I told him he went ballistic! There was NO WAY he was going to be a father again (he had a 10 year old son from a previous marriage) He told me that he would not be saddled with the responsibility of being a father or even paying child support, His ultimatum was either terminate the pregnancy or he would kill himself. I KNEW he was serious. I also was afraid of this man. He could be become so violent in an instant. I decided that I could not be responsible for his death and leave my child with that legacy. I knew that most people had no idea I was pregnant so there would be very few questions to answer. After it was over I felt like I had not only lost my child but my soul as well. He, on the other hand,acted like nothing had ever happened. I started finding solace in the bottom of a scotch bottle and he never even cared. All he said was " you have to do what you have to do but don't ever call me to bail you out if you get stopped for DUI". It took almost a year but I decided to end this farce. About a week before I was going to tell him, he became very ill. To make a long story short, I could not walk out on a dieing man. I stood by his side and took care of him (because that is what I was supposed to do) for almost 10 months. He died 2 weeks before my 40th birthday. It all did a real number on my mind.

3. Destiny7298

On July 2, 1998 I stumbled into a grief recovery website. In that chatroom I met many people who reached out to me. They wanted be there for me with no expectations. The best friends I have ever had in my life were made in those chatrooms. These people accepted me for who I was not who they wanted me to be. They showed me it is possible to live again after such loss. I went to meet the founder in person. She lived in Orlando. Because of her I had the courage to move away from everything and everyone I knew. I came to live in Florida and saw it as a clean start for my life. So many things have changed because of finding that website that night I decided to use it as my screenname. In other words, I found my Destiny on 7/2/98 .

4. Journey to motherhood....

With the support of my online friends I made the decision to follow my dream of motherhood. That was one thing I had learned from my horrible experience in #2, that I wanted to be a mother. I undertook the task of fertility treatments and artificial insemination. I became pregnant on my first attempt. I was ecstatic. The day of my first ultrasound was the anniversary of my grandfather's death. When the doctor told me that there was no heartbeat I was devastated. He scheduled me for a D&C 2 days later. My family was out of the country and I was alone with this news. A dear friend from the grief website talked to me all night while another made arrangements to come be with me when it happened. I did not give up and tried again. It took 3 more attempts and again became pregnant. The same results and the words from the doctor saying I would probably never be a mother nearly killed me. After moving to Florida another friend (also from the website who had moved to Florida at the same time) asked me "whatever happened to your idea of adopting". I could not face the thought of being told no. There were so many reasons I would not be approved but she asked me how I would be any worse off if I tried and it did not happen than I was right then. It made me see she was right. I had nothing more to lose and everything to gain. It was a very long and arduous road but 2 years later I was on an airplane to Russia to bring home my daughter. This has not not been without its challenges but such a blessing. I am my so happy being her mommy.

5. Being my real self......

About 8 years ago I decided I had to accept myself for who I am.( I HATE that phrase because I am so much more than a lesbian) I met a woman in the grief chatroom and we connected immediately. Now that connection was not a "love connection" we became very very close. We could talk for hours both online and on the phone. We told each other things we had never told anyone. When I went to Russia she called me every single morning. On one trip to visit her in Texas something just clicked between us. We both knew it and we both were scared by it yet we both KNEW what it meant. Thus our relationship began to take form. She has kept me sane and sober not because she nags but because she is always there when I need her.SHe knows what I need to hear and does not judge me. We laugh together even in the worst of times. Actually, without this wonderful woman I would not be alive today. It was her gut instinct that something was very wrong with me that made her take me to the ER on New Year's Eve. If she had not done that, the bacterial meningitis would have killed me. She refused to leave my side in the ER and ICU . Everyone there knew that she was the ONLY one who could reach me and get any kind of response from me. SHe kept me connected to this realm. Not only did she take care of me but she also took care of my mom and my daughter. She is THE best thing that has ever happened to me. She brings me true peace and joy.

Sorry, this got so long. Thanks fortaking the time to read it.